Sept. 23, 2020

'Til Death Do Us Part

'Til Death Do Us Part

Half of all marriages end in divorce, the other half end when one spouse dies. If you want out, but divorce is not an option, your inner angel and devil will help you decide what to do. Be prepared… to be spooked.

Written & Produced by Kenn Delbridge
Performed by Hanli Hoefer, Mike Kasem & Kenn Delbridge
Sound Design and Mix by SPLiCE Studios


Transcript

This is the script the actors worked from; they were allowed to ad-lib, so it's not a word-for-word transcription

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Waiter: “Here’s one Wagyu Beef Burger with Truffles fries, and a Caesar Salad with Smoked Salmon"

Lawyer: “ Thank you…. so where were we?”

Wife: “The gold loop earring on the bedside table”

Lawyer: “Definitely not yours?”

Wife: “There was a strand of green hair in the loop.

Lawyer: “Green hair?”

Wife: “She’s an influencer who dyes her hair green, the bank hired her to head up marketing. I saw her at the company retreat"

Lawyer: “I’m sorry to hear that… uh… sometimes leaving clues is a way to force a confrontation, often at the behest of the other party, who right now, has no real leverage. She’d want him to make a decision & ask for a divorce. ”

Wife: “W-w-what? It’s a fling, it can’t be serious! Roger wouldn’t risk losing the twins over this"

Lawyer: “Men sometimes make very poor decisions, and I’m here to protect you in this. Did you remember to bring your pre-nuptial agreement?”

Wife: “Yes… honestly, I cannot believe my husband is having a physical relationship with that lady…” 

(Drop ambience sound, have 3D audio spatial sound with Angel on left side, Devil on right side)

Devil: “Lady??!! Don’t you mean the gold-digging whore fucking her way to our husband’s heart?”

Angel: “excuse me, can you tone down the vulgarities, I’m super stressed right now!”

Devil: “You’re so naive, my little virgin friend”

Angel: “Virgin? I gave birth to twins!”

Devil: “That’s procreation, honey. When Roger wants to fuck, I’m the one who gets our hands and mouth all sticky”

Angel: “Ew. Ugh - let me focus on this, I’ll get our finances sorted out”

Wife: “That pre-nup is over 5 years old, and we have children, so the clauses limiting the sharing of wealth if we divorce early have expired, right? So Roger and I would split the money down the middle and he’d pay support?"

Lawyer: “Actually, it counts from the day you were married. You signed this 3 months before the wedding?”

Wife:  “Well, yes… but…”

Lawyer: “If he’s trying to push the affair into the open in order to initiate a divorce, he has until the end of the month to file something with the court.”

Wife: “So instead of half, what do I get?"

Lawyer: “As it stands, you’re looking at a one-time lump sum based on $100k per full year of marriage, so $400k. 

Devil: “Are you fucking kidding me? We’re getting screwed by the pre-nup?”

Angel: “Hold on, hold on, I’ll sort this out, stay calm, there’s no way Roger would treat me and the twins like garbage and throw us out on the street! He loves the boys and he’ll want them to be well provided for, and that means also providing for me, their mother."

Devil: “Oh god, do you know how pathetic you sound? Its time for Plan B”

Angel: “No! Plan B is the last, last resort. I will fix this”

Wife: “Hold on. We own 4 properties worth what… $15m? Our stock portfolio is at least $20 million! We have a Warhol hanging in the foyer. My husband, the father of our twins, earned $8m last year. He’s not is going to cast us out on the street with $400k and whatever some judge decides for child support!”

Lawyer: “Well, this says the assets, are held under the family trust. It *IS* Roger’s money, but the way the trust is structured, he can’t break it to give you half. Oh… (heavy exhale) I’ve got some bad news. Clause 11.3”

Devil: “Here comes the kicker, sister”

Lawyer: “Children will only be eligible for inheritance if they are primarily resident in the same residence as Husband.”

Wife: “What does that mean?"

Lawyer: “It means, in order for the twins to get their inheritance, Roger has to be awarded primary custody. 

Wife: “Oh my god, what?”

Lawyer: “Unless you can prove Roger is an unfit Dad, a judge will likely rule that the loss of inheritance is reason enough for Roger to have primary custody until the children turn 18. I’m sure you’ll be awarded generous visitation rights.”

Angel: “That motherfucker!! I’m going to kill him!”

Devil: “So Plan B it is…”

Angel: “You’re fucking right. (Frustrated scream) What is plan b??!!”

Devil: slowly “Babe, I’ve spent months planning for this - so many different ways we can kill him"

Angel: “so… what do you propose?”

Devil: “Get him drunk, on the balcony, one big push and over he goes. From 58 floors up, we can be back in bed before he hits the ground”

Angel: “You sure we won’t get caught?”

Devil: “Tonight, after he goes to bed, we come back out and use his laptop to research suicide methods so there’s browser history, and it'll look like he was planning to kill himself. We wait 2 days… then (whistle falling sound) "

Angel: “Won't the police will be suspicious?” 

Devil: “Awwww, pussycat, have a nap and let mama take over. I’ll feed our adorable lawyer the depression backstory.”

Angel: “OK, (sniff) let me tear up and turn away, then... you're on”

Lawyer: “Are you OK, you look like you’re going to cry…”

Wife: “Roger seems to be very depressed lately, as in, super depressed… ”

Lawyer: “Oh. Really? That’s.. that’s unfortunate." 

Devil: “See? Sooo easy. Now let me plant a seed in his mind.”

Wife: “I think that whore could be blackmailing him to divorce me, I’m worried he might doing something foolish and hurt himself”… (STING)

Devil: “Oh, did you feel how strong his hand was when he touched our knee? 

Angel: “Oh come on, focus!

Devil: “I bet he’s into handcuffs"