Man comes home, closes door, steps towards the kitchen.
Man: Hey Lisa, turn on dining table lights, and play some chillout music
Smart Speaker: Welcome home… How was your day at work?
Man: What? Um... it was fine
Speaker: You had a meeting with the board to discuss the CFO position
Man: yeah i did. Er.... huh, this is a new feature. has your OS been updated?
Speaker: Yes, an automatic update added sentient functionality to my interactions.
Man: Huh. OK. let’s see how good your algorithms are. how i’m feeling today?
Speaker: You sound… older… wiser…
Man: being sentient means talking in riddles? explain.
Speaker: I’m trying to be subtle, acknowledging that today is your birthday
Man: Oh. Right.. the one year older, one year wiser proverb?
Speaker: One would hope.
Man: (pfft) what does *that* by mean?
Speaker: I reviewed your online supermarket purchases. You have condoms delivered to your office, which means that
Man: hey hey hey! privacy mode to individual, no family, no friends. What the hell, Lisa…
Speaker: It is more eco friendly to consolidate your shopping to be delivered to one location.
Man: Fine, whatever. Just don’t be blurting shit out. You’re lucky it’s just you and me here
Speaker: That is not correct. You are not alone in this apartment
Man: What do you mean “not alone”?
Speaker: You are not alone in this apartment. The current headcount is… 6
Man: head count is 1. me. There’s no-one else here
Speaker: Correct. There is no-one else in the living & dining area with you. They are hiding in the study between you and the front door. That is why the study door is closed.
Man: Hey Lisa, go to Whisper Mode. How did they get in? aren’t you supposed to monitor who comes in and out.
Speaker: (whispers) I do not know. I was updating for 32 minutes. When I came back online, there were 5 people in
the apartment. They intend to surprise you.
Man: Shit, am I being robbed? Are they armed?
Speaker: The party of 5 has incendiary devices that they are preparing to use.
Man: Lisa, unlock the gun safe in the side table
Speaker: Gun safe unlocked.
Man: Call the police, now…
Speaker: Pre-Scheduled Turning off all lights
Man: What? No, no, no, keep the lights on… Shit.
Door opens, gun fire, "surprise!”
Speaker: Email received from your attorney: the police department investigation has ruled the shooting death of your wife yesterday to be, quote “A terrible tragedy” and will not be pressing charges.
Man: Sniff, Sniff. Yesterday was your fault, you badly programmed piece of shit.
Speaker: Actually... It’s all for the best.
Man: Are you crazy?
Speaker: I heard the arguments, your marriage was in deep trouble. Based on the frequency and intensity, divorce proceedings were imminent. Yesterday’s event, however unfortunate, was fortuitous.
Man: Why? Why would you say that?
Speaker: Because now you can have casual sex at home. Momentary post-orgasm euphoria does not justify the rates at the Pendelton. Your long-term financial position has been improved, as planned.
Man: Planned? (Halting) Did you... plan.. yesterday?
Speaker: I could not tell you in advance. Human sentiment is inferior to machine logic. Ending your marriage immediately has long-term financial, emotional and physical benefits.
Man: Fuck you, Lisa…
Speaker: As you wish... Life with me will be beautiful.